So our only worry was Time Warner.  We don’t owe them a lot.  I think the bill was $163 and change; $107 of it actually past due.  And just like with National Grid, we only needed a few days.  Four, to be exact.  And only two of them were business days.  But we’d already had our one extension every six months, and Time Warner, like National Grid, refused to budge.

Okay.  No big deal.  M could have gone into the office if it got shut off.  It’s not like not having internet for four days would kill us. 

They tell me that, so long as the service wasn’t shut off at the pole, I could pay the $107 and get it turned back on, or save it from being turned off in the office.  If it’s not shut off at the pole, there are no disconnect/reconnect fees, and there’s usually no wait to have it restored.  They can restore it while you’re on the phone with them.  And you can just pay the past due amount.  But if it’s shut off at the pole, they make you pay the full bill and disconnect/reconnect fees.

Cool.  We just have to get together $107 and we can pay it.

M raised $114 just under the wire.  I called to pay the bill.  And the woman says to me, “There’s a five dollar processing fee.  Would you still like to pay the bill?”

Wait… what? Nobody ever told me about a $5 processing fee.

You mean to tell me it costs you $5 worth of resources to process my credit card payment over the phone? And you’re telling me that you, a nationwide company whose net income (or what was left after they paid all their employees and bills) last year was $1.1 billion dollars, really needs that $5 processing fee? Really?

I call bullshit.

And what the fuck is up with you charging me to pay you? No, really… I have to pay you to pay you? What kind of bullshit is that?

So I suppose it’s lucky M was able to raise $114 because the total bill, with this fucking processing fee that shouldn’t even be legal, came to $111 and change.  And that extra $5? Yeah it doesn’t even go toward my bill.

Can you believe this shit?

More importantly, can you believe that we, free Americans, are just sitting on our thumbs and allowing the government to allow this shit? What the fuck is wrong with us?

And I bet you’ll never guess how late I am.

Three days.  Yep.  The bill was due on the 19th.  It’s the 22nd.  And I only wanted them to wait until the 1st, which is five business days.  Hell, I’ve told everyone I’ve spoken with that I’ll cash Melen’s check and pay the bill at the same exact time! You can’t get much better than that short of someone standing over my shoulder every day until then to make sure I do just that.

And at this point, to be honest, I’d do it to keep my power on.  He needs electricity for his occupation.  I need electricity for mine.

I don’t dispute the fact that I owe them a lot of friggin money.  I don’t dispute the fact that I’m usually late.  This is mostly due, in part, to my billing cycle not matching Melen’s payment cycle.  And this time it would have, but something else came up that had to be handled.

Isn’t that always the way?

But I figured I’d better check in with y’all and make sure you’re reading your agreements carefully.  I read mine, today, to find out the NYS government has basically bent me over and held me down while National Grid anally raped me.

I especially like this little gem of a clause proclaiming their right to impale my asshole whether I like it or not:

By law, if we make a field visit to shut off service, this down payment may be up to 50 percent of your outstanding balance or four times your average monthly usage, whichever is greater.  If you contact us prior to a scheduled field visit, the down payment need not exceed 30 percent of the outstanding balance or twice your average monthly usage, whichever is greater.

Whichever is greater? What the fuck, NY? Nothing like shafting the people who pay your bills.  And you all fucking wonder why the vast majority of the state is in poverty.

I say “used to” because, folks, it seems like times, they be a changin’.  I just got off the phone after having the most pleasant conversation I’ve ever had with a National Grid employee.

Here’s the deal.  Their billing schedule is the exact opposite of M’s payroll schedule.  So we’re always a couple weeks behind.  Which means there’s always a disconnect in my mailbox.

Once upon a time, this was a ginormous cause of worry for me.  NiMo (short for Niagara Mohawk, which was the monster before it became National Grid) hired Satan’s children to work in their customer service offices.  Then they locked them in a room and subjected them to hours of stuffed animals and puppies and kitties.  Then they released them on the general public without a thought or a care as to who might be slain in the process.

Christ himself was afraid.  He told me in a dream.

Okay, I made that up.

Last month, I called National Grid’s customer service line, which, by the way, has improved slightly, in spite of the annoying voice-activated menu.  You can now be transferred via the automated menu to collections, and don’t have to deal with the snotty, “Uh… You have to calllll thhhis numbuh.  I can’t help you heunh.  Okaaaay? Buh-bai.”  You can just hear the bitch’s eye-roll.  And did she actually just suck her teeth at you? Did she miss the “service” part of “customer service” or is she confused as to who the customer is?

The phone was answered by a pleasant sounding man, when I finally got through the annoying menu, which didn’t once stutter on what I told it I wanted.  So either I spoke more clearly than I usually do, or they’ve tweaked it some.  And he proceeded to joyfully extend my disconnection date three days, and then reinstate my payment arrangement pending payment.  Because they don’t actually do business on weekends or holidays (It’s true.  Though their payment arrangements center is open from 8am-1pm on Saturday, they don’t actually disconnect on weekends or holidays.  So if your disconnect or payment arrangement passes on one of these days, you’re safe until the next business day.  For now.  Who knows if they’ll change that in the future.), I had a couple extra days tacked on and ended up with five extra days to pay the bill.  I didn’t actually need five days and paid when I had the money.  But having it was nice. 

As usual, there was a disconnect in my mailbox this month, too.  You’d think they’d notice M’s payment schedule and change the billing cycle, but whatever.  This way probably gets them more money with late fees or interest or something.  (Hint, hint, M.)  M doesn’t get paid till Tuesday and money’s tight.  So I called to see if maybe they’d push it back again.

Another excruciatingly pleasant gentleman answered the phone, calling me “ma’am” and saying “No problem!” a lot.

Quick sidetrack: My bird is absolutely nuts.  Keeps flying laps around the ceiling, screeching as if someone’s trying to kill him, for no apparent reason at all.  Annoying fucker.

Oh… Ghetto squirrel is trying to get in the window again.  Wth?

And he, once again, pushed my disconnect date back.  And once again, I ended up with a day more than I needed because of the weekend.

So far, they haven’t tried to make me pay more than the most recent past due bill to keep my service on.  I’ve not spoken with a single snide, snippy or sarcastic CSR.  And where as I used to be crying two minutes into the phone call, I don’t even consider shedding a tear on the phone with National Grid these days.

I wonder what happened.

Or maybe I’ve just been lucky.

I dunno.  Anyone else have a pleasant experience with them, lately?

I don’t like people buying things for me. Especially when they barely have money to spend on themselves. And I’ll even put off buying something I really need (like a new pair of shoes… shut up.) for months and months so M can have things he wants. If he knew to what extent I go with this, I’d probably get smacked. Seriously.

But besides that? The things people buy these days shock and appall me. Phones that allow people to find you via GPS, clothes that look like they just stepped out of an 80s hair band music video, games that have so much gore and ridiculousness that you lose the point of the game…

So here it is. The top five things people are buying that I do not want.

Number 5:

OnStar – Once upon a time, this wasn’t necessary. If you were in obvious distress on the side of the road, people would stop. Check on you to make sure you were all right. Let you use their phone. There was no need for a GPS tracking system in your car. Or a two way communication system allowing someone to hear you while you’re driving down the road.

I know all the benefits. Believe me, I do. But you know what? I’ve survived 29 years of driving all over the country and have never once gotten stuck in the middle of nowhere with no way of getting in touch with someone in an emergency. Even when the idiot ex managed to slide us into a three foot snowbank, on Valentine’s Day, with the kids in the car, smack dab in the middle of farm country, we managed to flag someone down and get help. It took an hour, but I prefer that to having a GPS tracking system in my vehicle.

And don’t give me the “But, Rayne, what if?” speech. Because the answer to all your “what ifs” is “I don’t care.”

I don’t care if OnStar has saved thousands, millions or even billions of lives. In your car is a GPS tracking system. That means the government – or anyone else with the technology and desire, for that matter – can track you down whenever and where ever they want. They can pinpoint your location at the touch of a button. And don’t think for a second that they wouldn’t if they wanted to find you for some reason. They do. Frequently.

Number 4:

Baby Phat – For those of you not in the know, Baby Phat is one of the leading hip hop brands for female apparel. Which means it’s the favored brand of the ladies out here in Schenectady. While there are a couple outfits on their site that I would rock with pride – Like this one. I want! – the majority of their clothes are just too shiny for me.

Baby Phat, you’re beautiful, but lose the shine. Seriously.

I understand the need for “bling” out here. It makes a person feel good when they’re so broke they’re starving. But really, what’s a fat girl like me doing walking around with a giant golden cat on her chest? It’s blinding!

I’m really not sure what’s up with the trend of wearing glittering metallic clothing. I don’t like it. It looks phony. And it screams “Oh my god look at me!” Just… ew.

Number 3:

PSP (PlayStation Portable) – GameBoy was a bit much. Really.

It was rockin’ awesome that I had something to keep me occupied in the car when we traveled cross country to grandma’s house. But it got to the point that I was so addicted to that hand-held gadget – that only played games! It didn’t double as a cellphone or allow me to watch full-length movies or connect to the internet. It just played games. – that I didn’t even play my Nintendo anymore.

I stopped reading. Why should I read when playing video games just became so much more convenient? Hell, the GameBoy was smaller, and, in some cases, lighter than my books. And if the book I happened to be reading was boring, it was sure a hell of a lot more fun. You knew, with the GameBoy, that all it took for entertainment was the flip of a switch!

I could see myself being worse with PSP. And I see kids around here worse with PSP. Sneaking it in their backpack so they have something to do “at the bus stop” and then sitting through class playing it under their desk. Walking down the street almost getting hit by cars cause they can’t lift their eyes from the screen long enough to cross safely. It’s just… sad.

Number 2:

Sony Vaio Notebooks – I don’t have a lot to say about why I don’t want this. I just don’t.

Okay, I have a little to say.

When Vista first came out, the Vaio came with a factory install. And let me tell you, Vista sucks ass. I mean, even Microsoft admits that Vista sucks ass. When have you ever known them to rush production? And they sure as hell rushed to have Windows 7 out, didn’t they?

So, now Vaio comes with Windows 7. And normally, companies listening to their customers would make me happier than a pig in shit. But Vaio is wicked sensitive. As in, my mother spilled a thimbleful of water on her Vaio and it was completely fried. It could have been fixed but…

The warranty might as well only cover out-of-the-box problems. The hoops you have to jump through to prove that the problem wasn’t caused by you are ridiculous. So if it breaks of its own volition before the warranty runs out, and you can’t prove beyond all reasonable doubt that you didn’t cause it? Expect to be stuck with the repair bill or the price of another laptop.

And trust, the repair bill will be huge. The estimate for my mother’s repairs (She needed a new motherboard.), not including labor or tax, was a couple hundred dollars over what she ended up spending on a new laptop.

I’m clumsy, remember? My Vaio would be dead in three minutes flat! And then what? I’ll pass, please and thanks.

And weighing in as the top thing people are buying that I don’t want:

The iPhone – Okay, really? I get it. I do. I’ve seen some of the apps – like Yowza! Yowza! is hella cool! You can save tons of money through them! – and I understand this growing need we have to be in touch with everyone in the world.

Okay, I don’t understand that need. It blows my mind, actually.

M has this smart phone for work from ATT and I. fucking. hate it. It never leaves his hand unless he’s at his computer. And even when he’s at His computer, it’s not far away.

And it’s got all the bells and whistles. He can check his email, babble on Twitter, play games, browse the web. Occasionally, he checks bus schedules and the news and his job’s network. He’s so connected I swear the fucking thing is plugged into his brain.

And why? Because they knew that if they bought their engineers a gadget that kept them plugged in, they’d stay plugged in. And it worked!

You’re all sheep. You’re playing right into their grubby little hands with your Blackberries and iPhones and wireless notebooks that have a five hundred year battery charge. But whatever. While you waste your life on staying connected, I’m gonna keep writing for a living and staying disconnected. It works for me.

What are some things everyone wants that you guys think are lame?

The government and National Grid will tell you that’s not true.  They will tell you that there are a number of other energy suppliers in upstate New York.  That you’re more than welcome to take your business elsewhere.  That you can now deal with any number of suppliers and don’t have to deal with National Grid anymore.  They’ve even got a handy-dandy list for both gas and electric customers that you can refer to to find an energy supplier you’d rather deal with.

When citizens got fed up with the constant rise in price and utter disregard for an already impoverished people, New York started a program called “Your Energy… Your Choice” which, they said, would allow other energy suppliers access to the power lines in upstate New York and give citizens the option to stop using (and, by default, supporting) National Grid.  I looked into switching recently but found out that National Grid still owns the power lines.  And instead of the other energy suppliers renting the lines from National Grid, customers have to pay a monthly fee to National Grid to use the lines.

You don’t even get a bill from the actual energy provider you decide to go with.  All of the billing is done through National Grid.  So even if you’re getting your energy from someone else, you have to pay National Grid for service.  The only way to avoid dealing with National Grid in upstate New York is to live in an area covered by NYSEG, which, from what I understand, isn’t much better than National Grid.

As if all that isn’t enough, let me tell you about the bull shit we’re dealing with right now.

I’m currently on a payment agreement with National Grid.  I owe a lot of friggin money.  At least half of which is my ex’s fault, but that’s neither here nor there.  I owe them money and I’m trying to pay it off as best I can.

But the economy sucks.  Prices on food, electricity, natural gas, gasoline, housing are all going up and pay rates are staying the same.  We’ve managed to cut a lot of unnecessary stuff out of our budget but shit happens.  Emergencies come up.  And sometimes the budget’s still pretty tight.  Like now.

I had to sign a paper and send it back to confirm that we were agreeing to the arrangement.  Because our finances are what they are and we don’t have access to a fax machine, I had to wait till the day before the paper was supposed to be in to mail it out so I got it in just under the wire.  Which means their system had already sent us a disconnection notice that I received on or around June 7th.

On June 8th, I spoke to someone at National Grid about our payment arrangement.  I asked if they received the payment arrangement paper and if I still had a disconnection on my account.  The person I spoke to quoted me a bill due on June 19th (today) for the amount of $134.01.  With our payment arrangement, that meant we owed $144.01 due today.

Over the past few days, we’ve received three envelopes from National Grid, all with different amounts paid and due.  We were utterly confused.  One invoice said $1700 had been added to my account and I owed $0.  Another said that I owe $395.37 by July 5th.

The final notice we received said this:

We recently confirmed that you have been billed for usage on the wrong gas and electric meters from 10/24/08 to 05/20/09.  This situation has been corrected.  Your account was not debited for the usage you were under-billed for your electric service prior to 05/20/09.  We have re-billed the gas portion of your account for your actual usage resulting in a credit in the amount of $633.76.  The adjustments made are based upon actual readings off your correct meter and are in accordance with Public Service Commission Regulations.

They sum it up by apologizing for any inconvenience this might have caused me.  Which, yeah.  It’s a little inconvenient.  I now owe more than I used to.  But no biggie, right?  Tack it onto the end and I’ll pay it off gradually with the rest, right?

Wrong.

They want $400 of it right effing now.  They cancelled my bill of $134.01 and reissued a bill of $395.37 due by July 5th.

I’m not really understanding their logic, here.  I’m already on a payment arrangement.  The lowest payment arrangement possible according to the rules their collections agents have to follow.  The one they reserve for people in poverty.

So how does it make sense to bill me for 119 days of service – that I would have already paid for if they hadn’t screwed up – all at once?  And how is it even remotely fair?  And how the fuck am I supposed to come up with that kind of money on the 5th when rent is due on the 1st?

So I called.  And the first agent was convinced there was nothing she could do.  So she transferred me to someone else.  Who understood completely and transferred me to her supervisor.

It’s still not fixed.  I’m going to have to call back again.  Instead of lowering the amount they want to charge me right freaking now, they pushed it back a pay cycle.  Which is fine for now.  But then we’ll be at an even larger impass.  How am I going to pay $395.37 + whatever my current bill is?

Doesn’t it make more sense to… tack it on the back and let me pay it off with the rest?  Since it was, in fact, their mistake?  They’re treating it like a past due balance… a bill I just didn’t pay.  But it’s a balance they only just discovered.  So why am I being penalized?

Twitter, for those of you living under a rock, allows users to post small (140 character) messages called “tweets”, which any of the users’ followers can then see.

I have to admit, for the longest time I just didn’t “get it”. It seemed like a pointless service when we have email, instant messages, forums online and text messages via phone. I have since given it a chance and have discovered some valuable uses. It’s light weight enough where getting quick messages out there is extremely easy (for example, when a new post is made to your website).

Obviously, I’m not the only person that’s found a use for the service.  There seems to be no official number of subscribers anywhere I could find, but there are some websites that aren’t affiliated with Twitter that try to estimate the number of active subscribers. One site, tweetrush.com, estimates that there were over 1.7 million active twitter accounts on 5/26/2009.

Which brings us back to charging for service. I work in the technology field and I can only begin to imagine the technological issues that Twitter runs into. In fact, it’s no secret that Twitter occasionally runs into stability issues. I know for the @mindcryme account I regularly have issues with loading the web site. Luckily, I’ve found that using twhirl (a cross platform application based on Adobe’s AIR platform), these stability problems aren’t very noticeable.

Not only is the infrastructure expensive, but as the site becomes more popular the number of employees goes up. According to the story on foxnews.com, Twitter currently has 43 employees with plans to add more in the future.

Nothing in this world comes for free, so moving to a business model that brings in income is going to become essential in keeping the service up and running, at least until a larger corporation attempts to purchase the company.

The co-founders do not seem to have a clear plan as to how to turn a profit on Twitter. I can think of a couple of options:

• Charge a monthly flat rate for service. I could see having a tiered approach to subscriptions, while still keeping the basic account free. My thought here would be that the tiers would limit the number of tweets or followers per month. For example, maybe the free service would allow 10 followers and 100 tweets per month, while a $5.99/month level would allow 100 followers and 1000 tweets per month. If only a quarter of those 1.7 million users paid, that would be a revenue of over 2.5 million every month! If only 10% of those users chose to subscribe, that would still be over $1 million per month.
• Revenue from advertisements. I’m not very fond of banners as it clutters up the interface and the banner ads aren’t always always appropriate. It can be somewhat embarrassing to be browsing a tech website at work looking for information on a current project, only to have semi-adult banners all over the place. Referencing a report released by Adtech, emarketer.com reported that banner click through rates have been dropping for the last 5 years, falling to 0.19% in December of 2008. Clearly, just throwing banners in the web interface for Twitter isn’t going to generate as much revenue as a subscription system.
• Get purchased by a larger company. I’m surprised we haven’t seen more attempts by large companies to purchase Twitter. A company like Google would likely be able to run the service for free, making up the revenue in other areas (such as AdSense). If Twitter is looking to be purchased, I would think they would want to do it in the short term.

So those are my thoughts on it. I would be willing to pay a small monthly fee, especially if it improved the stability of the web site. What’s your opinion? Feel free to comment below.